Denied!

Last Saturday I motioned to a short-skirted girl across the street and said, “Snatcherella looks cold.” My date didn’t acknowledge my vulgarity. I thought he hadn’t heard me over the excited voices of GTA-ers on their way to the clubs. “Hey, look, she’s snatcheriffic!” Again, nothing. And so, with no humour between us, I decided to not see this guy again.

Now I find myself analyzing the art form of Painless Rejection. The Humourless guy is one of several fellows I’ve been dating. Another guy is secretive and fishy (my guess: married) and in the other case the plane just didn’t leave the tarmac. But the thought of having to muster enough courage to give them all the “let’s just be friends” talk makes me want to barf. Even the overused white lie of “just being friends” gives me the willies. And then there’s the variables like, where to stage the let-down (restaurants = too public. My place = too private), anticipating and avoiding grotesque emotions, and what my script will be:

I think you’re great, but…
I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, however…
I’m going through a selfish stage, therefore…

The truth is, all I want to do is neglect to phone anyone back and avoid the mess. But that feels like sneaking out the back door — made worse when So-And-So follows you out the back door, so to speak, to leave forlorn messages on your phone asking if you’re OK cause he hasn’t heard from you in awhile. Yeesh.

I’m left pondering the age-old question: when is it still OK to not phone back? What is the point of no return? Let’s say you had three fine dates with a fine person. There hadn’t been any physical or emotional intimacy, but you had a few laughs until the point — and there’s always a point — that it all went south. How do you break it off in a dignified, painless manner? Don’t say, “Tell him the truth!” cause you and I both know that the truth isn’t usually an appropriate thing to be spilling to someone you’ve only hung out with a handful of times. Coming out and admitting to a person that you find them joyless, short, and nasal is overkill. Save the painful truth for mofos who deserve it.

Simultaneously, I’m wondering how to get a certain fellow off of my mind. This is someone I actually like, but can’t have. So how do you break from someone who makes you ache with desire when, secretly, you don’t want to break from them because your inner masochist says unrequited feelings are stylish. Oh I know, you tell them you’ll be “just friends” so you can continue hanging out with them and, whenever opportunity permits, you can get away with touching them on the sweet sweet elbow, like the pathetic worm you are.

Why are there no easy answers? I feel like if I just brainstorm hard enough, I could come up with a simple solution but — Alas!


P.S. Wow I need a new hobby. Boys are tiresome, brain-scrambling, beasts. Permaps I’ll take up gardening and dedicate this blog to the moral issues of pesticides v. organics. Wouldn’t that be refreshing for us all.