Lavalife® Where singles jump off their balconies®

If I have to go on ONE MORE bad date with one of these computer-mutants I'll flip out and resign myself to dying a spinster. In fact I deleted my Lavalife profile after a particularly dehumanizing date in which yet another man wanted to yap about himself (his job, his travel itinerary, his sister’s house renovations) and showed ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST in my accomplishments. It played out like an interview, starring me as the interviewer always politely engaged, asking questions. Then he went on for 30 minutes straight about the microscopic details of his job as a project manager. I looked away, I looked at my watch, I eyed the bartender — all hints that he ought to bring the monologue back to a dialogue. As I watched him flap his lips a hilariously tragic image popped into my head: every word was another cartoon nail slamming into a cartoon coffin. PLINK! PLINK! PLINK! I nearly giggled. When he was done his epic speech, as an experiment, I sat silent and waited for him to turn to me and say, “so what do you do?” or something to show he was interested in the brain I might have in my pretty little head.
He just sat there.
And so, in that most uncomfortable minute of silence I remembered those who fell. Him. And the guy before him, the guy before him, the guy before him, the guy before him, and all the guys since the beginning of time — each one in a cartoon coffin. May they rest in peace.

Tonight I voiced my frustration to a group of co-workers at the pub after our shift. A handsome and clever fellow told me, “Don’t give up. I met my girlfriend on Lava.”

"Sure," I said, "You're THAT person...like the person who wins the lottery and so everyone else slugs away buying tickets every day hoping it's gonna happen to them too."

Everyone laughed. Oh Jules, how hilarious and accurate you are. We get a kick out of your faux-mock-bitterness and we can't get enough of your 'bad date' stories.

Well I'VE had enough! I can't go on forever making my life into STORIES for everyone else's pleasure but mine...even though to be perfectly honest I deliver them enthusiastically and animatedly (I include impressions!), I dig the attention, and I secretly enjoy the creative fuel that I've gained by encountering all these bizarros.

So why has fate or whatever given me the shaft in the love department lately? Why couldn’t I have been one of those lucky ones who ended up with a great partner? I SWEAR I’m not doing anything to scare men off. I flirt. I’m open to love. I look good — hell I even dress up to go to the grocery store JUST IN CASE I meet someone there. What’s wrong with me?

Oh Jules, love always comes when you’re not even looking for it, they say. My retort: So I’m being punished for being PROACTIVE? That laissez-faire attitude doesn’t cut it when it comes to finding a job or an apartment or getting the errands done so why are you saying I should sit on my ass and wait for my man to appear by my side like a phantom?

But then there's that little voice inside, that last grain of optimism. "now jules hang in there pal...your time will come, just be patient." And so tonight, when I got home from the pub, I reinstated my lava profile. I added a few details to help ward off joyless, egocentric, immature, socially awkward, aloof, overeager, stupid, just-on-here-to-make-friends freaks. As for my impatience, disappointment and frustration, I’ll try really hard to internalize my mantra: I’M A WARRIOR. THIS, TOO, MAKES ME STRONGER.


MY PROFILE PICTURE
Nickname: JULES SAYS. Opening line: "Kisses for honest/artistic intellects whose minds meet mine"

MY PERSONAL MESSAGE

Hi I'm Jules!

I'm intelligent, artistic, articulate, witty, goofy and honest. My insatiable curiousity causes me to be interested in meeting new people and discovering things about the world in general. I'm always on the look out for new rock bands, books, restaurants, pubs, art exhibits, documentaries and plays. If you think you can dig that, then we've started off on the right foot!

I would probably try anything just to see what it's like and I'm looking for a fellow who is equally open-minded. If you're racist, sexist, homophobic, commitment-phobic, or dimwitted, kindly find another girl. I'm also looking for someone who wants a woman to be his intellectual equal, not just his arm candy. I don't believe in Prince Charming, but I do need someone who's great because I'm great, if I do say so. And if you get on my good side, I'll TREAT you like Prince Charming — I may even candy your arm from time to time — but our minds would have had to click first.

I work as a journalist/writer and have my own apartment downtown. I'm independent and career-driven, but equally interested in finding love with a man who is on his feet (ie. you don't live with your parents). I'll tell you whatever else you'd like to know if you message me. I've nothing to hide.

Take it easy,
Jules